John A.Martin, Ph.D. California Licensed Psychologist
Two-person Relationships as Evolving Systems of Influence
I've been studying close interpersonal relationships for nearly thirty years. During that time, I believe I've come to understand something about how relationships work.
Just to keep things simple, I'll limit myself to discussion of two-person relationships. Everything that gets said about two-person relationships applies to more complex relationships as well, although it becomes more complicated as more people participate and as the number of different types of combinations of people increases.
In the beginning.
Two people watch and listen. Whether they mean to or not, when two people first encounter one another in everyday life and are in some sense compelled – either by mutual interest or by circumstances – to relate to one another, each begins to watch one the other and think about what s/he sees. Each makes guesses about what this other person is like, makes inferences about who this other person is. At first, neither person’s thoughts, behavior or feelings are greatly altered by the other’s.
“May I have this dance?” Perhaps people first begin to watch one another out of pure curiosity. If that's all there is to it, they will probably eventually stop watching, and continue on their individual paths. Alternately, perhaps they choose to watch one another because they know they will be in proximity to one another for a while: For example, perhaps theses two people work together, perhaps they are neighbors, or perhaps one has married into the other’s family. Or perhaps they watch one another because they are in some way drawn to one another: Perhaps one or the other or both of them is drawn towards creating a relationship with this stranger.
Relationships aren't always voluntary. When relationships aren't chosen, the partners need to find a way to coordinate their actions with one another simply to make it possible for each to continue to function well in an existing context. If I start a new job, for example, I need to learn to accommodate my fellow employees. If I move to a new neighborhood, I need to learn to get along with my neighbors. There are times, then, when two or more people need to learn to relate with one another, even though they may have no interest in one another, or maybe even experience some sort of aversion for one another.
Some relationships start with attraction. When people are drawn to one another, it's often because they believe they see something familiar – or something long imagined – in one another … something catches their interest and imagination. Sometimes they don't even notice that it's happening: People are often unintentionally drawn into another person's sphere of influence. As they play out their “attraction” towards one another, they begin to give birth to a new structure, a phenomenon of mutually-determined shape, a representation of their newborn relationship. People begin subtly to alter their behavior based on their experience both of the other person and of the newborn relationship that is evolving between them. At first, it can fee; rather awkward. The task of coordinating two diverse streams of action is frequently chaotic at first, difficult to comprehend, and lacks a coherent form.
Relationships are shaped by hopes and dreams. The start of a of the relationship is frequently driven by the hopes and dreams of each of the partners. Because it is a new relationship, all they can do is dream it into existence: There are no rules, no formula, for making a successful new relationship, of defining its shape, of giving it a name. So the partners dream their separate dreams and start to create a shared dream – by watching the other, by imagining “who is this mysterious Other?” Each person sometimes takes the lead, and each sometimes follows. Both modify the existing form of their own individual lives in order to create this new partnership. They find they need to let go of insisting that they already know how to be in a relationship, and they work together to give birth to a new relationship, a new form, that blends their individual hopes and plans with the other’s.
So in this way, each participant simultaneously influences, and is influenced by, the other participant's actions. Each relationship is therefore as unique as its individual participants and as the unique flow of influence between them. And the experience is always changing, evolving: their dreams evolve, and they continue to influence one another and alternate between leading and following.
In time, a recognizable form begins to emerge. The relationship eventually settles into a coherent and recognizable pattern. And as the form of the relationship becomes more stable, the participants find that they can no longer see who leads and who follows. Although each partner contributes as an individual to the relationship, each individual in a sense disappears into the shared system that is being created with the other. No one person's behavior in the relationship can be independent of the shared system of mutual influence. In time, we can see that there is no action (or feeling or attitude) of one partner in a relationship that is not in some way intertwined with the actions of the other.
Soon we can no longer see the individuals in relationships; soon we can no longer be sure where the participants leave off and where their shared creation begins. We can see in this sense that partners in relationship are not really separate – that they are each above all participants in their shared experience. There are really no dancers, there is only the dance.